A Quiet Pint
‘You worry aboot the legal part; let me worry aboot the illegal part.’ ‘Right?’ he laughed as he clapped his stubby fingers together.
We’d only gone in for a quick one on the way home from the shop after seeing Uwe through the window of the pub looking bored behind the bar. We got a couple of drinks in and then both nipped outside for a smoke. This guy, about mid-50s, pretty short, smart dressed but undeniably sleazy said ‘alright pal’ and once I responded, that was his chance.
‘Come on now, see that, that’s nothin!’ He crumpled up the plastic bag before I could get a look inside. He leaned in to my shoulder to whisper, but his voice was still just as loud, ‘ye should see whit ah’ve got back at the flat, loads ay stuff, jeans, shirts, an no all boy’s stuff, lassie’s claes tae – dead nice stuff n all. I can go an get yis mair if ye want, nae bother? Ye want new claes don’t yis, ah can tell, an ah dinnae mean ye look like ye need them, ken? Yir obviously a gorgeous lassie, nae offence pal, but she is, right, an ye need tae make the maist ay yir good looks, I can tell yis are baith deid intae fashion eh. If yis dae a bit ay work we me, right, yis’ll be walkin doon the street lookin like a million dollars! Ha-hey! 10 minutes work, and ye can get a hale new ootfit!’
He’d started off trying to sell us some nicked stuff when we were out smoking. He had his samples in a Co-op bag, some make-up; lipsticks, mascara, pretty decent stuff by the look of it and a couple of lass’s vest-tops. After we’d shown a bit of interest, we got the full force of the sales banter. Sophie eventually bought a few bits of make-up and a top for a fiver, if anything just to get him to leave us alone when we got back in to the pub. He was fairly pissed, and was telling us there was easy money to be made if we were keen.
‘What’s the problem like, eh, ye jist take the stuff back, ye dinnae get caught takin stuff ‘back’ tae the shop, only takin it oot, an that’s no your concern, aye? Ken whit ah mean?’
‘All yis do, right, go up to the counter, say yiv got some claes to return, and yiv only got a receipt fir wan o it, right? Who’s gonnae say no tae a couple ay innocent wee souls like yersels eh? Aye, and you… you always go up tae a lassie, and you, you always go up tae a boy, right? Boys go up tae lassies; lassies; guys, right? It’s a sexual thing ken, that’s a big pairt ay it, cannae leave nae stane left unturned, in the metaphysical sense if yis understand. Dead into the whole psychological aspect me.’
‘Well, yeah that sounds interesting’ I said, trying to sound non-committal and ignore his eye contact, but unable to resist a laugh at his enthusiasm.
‘Interesting? Aye! That’s whit I like, a thinkin man, only ye cannae think too long on it eh no, cos I’ve got jobs goin right noo! No next week, no the week eftir, right noo ken? Bang, bang, bang, ha ha!’
He took a gulp of his lager and looked over at his pal in the corner who was starting to look bored. Me and Sophie were looking over at him when our friend swivelled back round.
‘Dinnae worry aboot him, he’s no intae aa this. It’s jist me, you, and you. He’s no a thinking man like wirsells eh?!’
He struck a pose with his chin resting on his clenched fist.
‘Hey Davie, wha’s this?’
‘Brucie Bonus! Way-heyy, The main man!’
‘Huh, see whit I mean? He doesnae even ken it was off that painting by that Italian boy. No a man ay the arts, a man ay culture, like ourselves over here, right? No a thinking man by any stretch.’
‘See me, I’m jist oot for a quiet pint, but I’m eyewis spotted an opportunity, thinking outside ma box ken. But I see them everywhere, an in ma book, I’d be a fool no tae take them. Yous can see them too though, no? An I can tell yir nae fool either. A thinking man, that’s what I like tae see!!’ He spluttered and wheezed, but still managed to continue before I could get a word in.
‘Got to be on the ball at all times in this game. Jist like that Lionel Richie. No! Fuck me! Lionel Messi, that’s the boy! Ha ha, even the best can get caught oot, that’s why we’ve got tae work as a team, right?’ he said, slapping us both on knee.
‘Us thinking men need to stick together right, we’re few and far between, but if we work together, they’ll be rich rewards my young friend! The spoils of the marketplace will be oors to divvy up as we see fit, and that’s whit it comes doon tae, pal, right? Do ye want the freedom tae take whit ye want? Can you handle it?’
He lowered his voice.
‘Cos it’s there tae take, if ye want it.’
‘See, I’m what you call an operative in the ‘free’ market. There’s nae taxes an nae border controls, if ye see what ah mean. Unrestricted business, that’s ma philosophy. That’s just the ‘most’ organised crime – business, capitalism’, wir aa criminals noo, doesnae actually maiter whit side ay the law yir actually oan, ken?’
‘So whit’s it tae be? Are ye in, or are ye oot?’
Live solo set by Kurt Vile recorded at the Velvet Lounge during the 2009 DNA Fest in Washington DC. Having released the classic lp 'Constant Hitmaker' in 2008 Mr. Vile was signed to Matador for the following years 'Childish Prodigy' and the recent 'Square Shells' ep. He also strums strings with The War On Drugs and can be heard honking a nifty horn for Blues Control. Enjoy:
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